Heat All Around

Sunday, February 6, 2011

AGING GUTS ARE NOT PRETTY!



I want to start by thanking myself

for deciding the time had come to make my position clear about the dubious joys of watching one of today’s most prominent commercials.

Please don’t misunderstand, I am the first one to run to the drug store eager to take advantage of anything that smacks of “relief”, but saying you give relief and actually PROFFERING it are two entirely different entities.

Whoever came up with those Dulcolax commercials, the ones with that cartoon woman stretched out like some modern day

Cleopatra upon her chaise lounge purring in absolute contentment because Dulcolax has made her bathroom sojourn COMFORTABLE deserves to be tied to the business end of a cow, or have a rear passage examination performed by a beefy man named GUNTHER using

a jackhammer for his probe!

I promised God as I wept upon the procelain throne, if He could sprinkle COMFORT DUST throughout the endless miles of my

Intestinal Tract I would sing "THE LORD'S PRAYER" in my unfortunately off-key voice. I'd get down on bended knee and

HOWL with remorse for all my past transgressions. In other words...I pledged my soul for the comfort that cartoon woman wallows in.

If it is something you HAVE to do, it shouldn’t be so excruciatingly painful!!!

But alas, the only thing ANY of that stuff gives me reminds me of the cramps I used to get before “mental-pause” introduced

hot flashes and the hormonal equivalent of

dry rot into my life…except…

Unless my memory is badly muted by

advancing senility, these cramps are 1000% more intense than those of my misspent

female cycles.

Oh probiotics when are you going to take me away?

3 comments:

Heather Haven said...

You do NOT rant, You explain. You consider. You pontificate. Whatever, you are so well-worth reading and listening to. Send me some probiotics, by the way.

lionmother said...

LIn,
I have the opposite problem having lost my gall bladder when I was younger. My curse is I am also unable to tolerate anything with too much iron like raisins, etc. Occasionally I eat too much fat and then I pay for it with those kind of cramps and an urge that requires me to go no matter where I am.:) Is there anyone who is perfectly normal down there????'

Thank you for being so funny and bringing sunshine into my day. I really needed this.:)

Lin said...

ove you both. Pontificate? I think I like that. But every time that dumb commercial is on both Kat and groan.

I don't know. Seems to me today's commercials are giving way too much information about stuff that either makes me groan or moan. I mean seriously...those cialis commercials. Have you ever seen two bathtubs side by side out in the world for all to observe you? And do you see any pipes? How did they get two tubs filled so they can glory in his ability to find passion at any given moment?

PLUS have you listened to the side effect warnings? It's gotta make you wonder why any guy would risk having a four hour bone. Okay, I suppose they are good for Hugh Hefner and Bob Dole, but personally I don't need to think about Hef downing a blue pill so he can perform with women young enough to be his great-granddaughters.

As far as Bob Dole's concerned...how am I ever supposed to take ANY politician seriously again after this former Presidential candidate goes on TV and hawks for the ability to rise and salute with the little warrior?

Wow. Looks like I've got another rant topic. Course I could always start that one of with a knothole and an "Ahem". You can ask ChrisChat what that means.