Heat All Around

Wednesday, April 23, 2014


DIAMONDS FROM THE ROUGHAGE...if you're in the mood for a fast, short story about....

{drumroll} Once Upon a Time a land Called 

CAMELOT...then this is definitely the short story for you.

My name's L.J. Holmes, and Nion came to me a while back because well...he wanted to bring a magnifying glass down upon the events happening in that realm of the Round Table...where Arthur, Guinevere, Lancelot, and the many other merry Round Tabler's all dropped swords.

Hang on a second. It may ONLY be April, but with Nion in the house, it's kinda hot...temperature wise...so I need to adjust the air conditioner...65 degrees? Nah...better go down to 60. (Cold up here, but need my 

mukluks down there..one more sec!)


I'm L.J. Holmes, and Nion the Dragon is IN the house!

LJ: Welcome Nion. How're you doing?

Nion: I'm swimming in brimstone today. Did you know you have a new brimstone quarry on the east side of town? It was quite exciting to discover I didn't have to do a modified boomerang toss to my cousin 

Pitfire so he'd land on the mines of Neptune. We dragons are sturdy things, but those solar winds out there can play havoc with our breastplates.

LJ: I'm delighted having you visit me again. For those who don't know anything about your story, wanna share a little about why you came to me in the first place last year?

Nion: Those idiot knights decided to go off in search of some tomfoolery they called The Holy Grail leaving the defenses of Camelot up for grabs. It's never a smart thing to leave something as...valuable as a land called Camelot without strong leadership to pick up the reins and keep the glow...well glowing.

LJ: You're not from Camelot, though are you?

Nion: Hell no! You had too many wanna be champions in Camelot eager to pick up swords and try eviscerating a majestic creature like me. I'm from Fridegonia...a bit north of the Land of The Round Table...but we're sorta symbiotic. Camelot's economy flourished because we shared a very lucrative business with them.

LJ: How lucrative?

Nion: Well, it kept both Camelot and Fridgeonia in Pomp and Circumstances...but I guess when Arthur decided to toss his Excalibur back to the 

Lady of the Lake and sail off in his gilded afterlife to Avalon, he neglected to tell any of those lesser knight's just how Camelot and Fridegonia kept up the royal pomposity. 

LJ: Are you talking about....

Nion: Diamonds...the finest diamonds EVER...but you humans haven't got a clue where the glittering stones really come from. You think it's in some mine squeezed by years of earth stuff...The truth's a bit...less hygienic...at least initially. I see nothing wrong with the process, but many humans turn up their noses and go "ewww" when they learn the truth. 

Why is that?

LJ: Maybe because most of us don't want to wear what comes out of our...well..you know...butts.

Nion: Hey! It's not like what Camelotians collect isn't purified when it reaches Fridgeonia and this pressure cooker inside my belly.

LJ: I heard Frostreak is getting upset.

Nion: Of course she is. Our economy AND Camelot's depends on us making quality diamonds the tried and true way.

LJ: Have you had any success convincing the Bumswatters to get back to their REAL job?

Nion: That's kinda what we're hoping you'll do...or your readers actually. Once they've read the truth in DIAMONDS FROM THE ROUGHAGE we're hoping they'll swamp the Bumswatters with demands they stop wasting time braiding their belly button lint and get back to the job of  helping us crank out top quality diamonds again.

LJ: How can I help?

Nion: Beg...beg...beg your readers to pick up a copy of DIAMONDS FROM THE ROUGHAGE, read it, and then leave comments here where we can dump them on the Bumswatters and get production up and running again. 

LJ: You got it, Nion. Anything else we can do to help?

Nion: Yeah...if you run across any of those idiot Knights, tell them to forget the Holy Grail and get back to Camelot where they're really, really needed.

LJ: I'll send a medieval telegram as soon as we're done.

Nion: Thank you! It's always a pleasure doing business with you. Now you wouldn't by any chance have a map to the Brimstone Quarry would you? I think I got turned around a bit when I hopped off your interstate.

This is LJ Holmes saying...DIAMONDS FROM THE ROUGHAGE...unless we help Nion, what will we wear on our ring fingers? (Follow the link to find out how you can do more to help tomorrow's glitter...today!)

To the first two commentors, Nion has requested they be given a free copy of DIAMONDS FROM THE ROUGHAGE so we can get the onslaught rolling.