Wednesday, November 2, 2011
A HOLE IN MY HEART
A HOLE IN MY HEART
The past year has been an amazing roller coaster with incredible ups and soul-breaking lows.
The war we waged to wrest my daughter from what was little more than indentured servitude masked as success, took a deep toll that I'm not sure either of us have fully recovered from.
We do not understand evil...in spite of what our past has forced us to endure, we do not understand it.
We do not understand anyone devoting the energy to inflicting evil upon another. To have a so-called professional do it just because she can while twisting the dreams of others into horrible knots similar to the knots one finds in the neglected acreage of
gnarled and thorny weeds is alien.
I do not understand the pleasure such people get, and unfortunately there are many.
I have a hole in my heart, and I'm not sure why it's there.
Coming to Muse was a Godsend and there's so much love and acceptance here, but no place is without
I do not understand those who think everyone should step aside because THEY are now in the big leagues and their agendas are the only ones the rest of us should give credence to.
Adults acting like spolied children because they don't get their way in the Big People's World saddens and infuriates us. How can anyone live with themselves when they will
thrust the shafts into your back because it's expedient for them to bypass you any way possible?
I have a hole in my heart, and I don't know why.
Right after coming to Muse, my health took a serious turn that nearly destroyed me...and still weighs heavily upon my soul. No one knows how much those months took from me, and what made it worse, the original battle for my daughter's
artistic voice escalated at the same time.
I saw my daughter struggling to understand such evil but couldn't explain it away or ease
the hole forming in HER heart.
The almighty dollar...
is it true money is the root of all evil? No. It's certainly one of the catalysts of evil, but not the root. Evil is its own root.
There's something dark and twisted inside some people, and I try, I really TRY to understand it, but I can't, not even with all my education and wisdom.
So there's a hole in my heart.
Often...far too often, we have been delegated to the back burner over the years. It's a lonely place to be...a sad place to be.
So, there's a deepening hole in my heart.
When you follow the rules, you expect things will improve and you've finally found your way onto the right track, but you see how others who throw their tantrums, stomp their feet, and purposely set out to make you less than them, come out ahead over and over again.
I try to decipher this dichotomy, but it makes no sense.
My own son has treated people like dirt over the years, yet they keep opening their arms to him like he's some kind of a prodigal child and they are lucky he notices them enough to treat them like the mat he wipes his feet on.
I don't know why.
This past year I tried therapy. Having news of my ex crashed back into our lives after almost thirty years of trying to exist beyond him, splintered whatever platform I'd built beneath my feet to keep me from drowning in the morass of my past with him.
Three so far...and in that is also a problem. Each one wants you to start over and tell the horrid story from its inception again.
Why am I on my third therapist? The first one Lisa, got badly beaten up by her autistic son last April 2010. She has not returned.
I held out against starting over until the she-devil from my daughter's indentured servitude reared her ugly head again five months later.
Okay, admittedly in the end we won against that hag, but I had to start over in therapy with Staci.
Staci hung in until she decided she needed to move south so she could be with her niece and nephew...Admittedly, good reasons, but it meant starting over again..and I found out she was leaving the day before she left. (This after she had to take eight weeks off to recover from back surgery during our brief time together. She was only back for three weeks.)
Couldn't she have called me and given me more than our final fifty minutes notice that our end had come? Did she have to wait for that final appointment to drop the bombshell and let me know any progress we'd made was moot?
Now I'm with another Lisa and we've started again...from the beginning.
Lisa asked me if I'm depressed. And the answer, I realized tonight, as my eyes tear and I know not why, that I am.
Hence I have a hole in my heart, and I don't know why.
A year, this has been such a year. Yet, because we do not whine...
I have a hole in my heart, and I don't fully understand why...
just that it hurts...a lot.