I'd promised this story before my world took a temporary dive into the toilet.
As with most dives in the crapper, unless you can reduce yourself to the size of just ONE human ache, you're not going to make
it down the john and off into whatever
sewer system your slice of the world has set up for such waste. So you have to pull yourself out of the bowl,
shower yourself off, and move forward until you feel the next load of life's
dark stuff descend upon you.
This story is entitled CALLING HOME and stars the one member of my immediate family I do not mention as often as my very prolific Muse Publishing, Inc. author daughter Kat Holmes.
Some of you know the story surrounding the day my son left New Jersey for Georgia, but I told it a bit ago and you may have forgotten it, just as many of you never heard it...so let me give you the hated...all my editors please turn the other way a moment...
BACKSTORY!
Since my daughter was sixteen when
THE EVENT occurred, I have calculated my son was 18 at the time. (They're 22 months apart, my boy and girl.)
The day...well I had to go to work...I was a teacher. My son asked for my car so he could job hunt.
I have an MA in Special Education. At that time I was a floater. That means I would step in for any teacher going to be out on some sort of medical leave for a long time. (Substitute teachers can only fill that role for ten consecutive days. After that they need a teacher with an actual NJ teacher's license....See a sub as long as they have 60 college credits, no matter what their major in...
((like basket weaving))...can get licensed as a substitute teacher.)
That period, and it was the last eight weeks of that school year, I was filling in for a male teacher in a class designated Emotionally Disturbed who'd been knifed in the upper thigh by one of his students...now in Juvie.
My son dropped me off at 8:00 in the morning. He was to return for me at 2:30. My day was a typical day in a class filled with children classified Emotionally Disturbed. There are many fluctuations in the planned curriculum while tempers are dealt with and restraining actions required. My weeks there, I can safely say, were never dull.
2:30 came. I was tired and ready and eager to go home, grab a quick shower...you get spit on a lot in ED classes...put my feet up, order in, and pretend tomorrow
was a light year away.
I climbed into the passenger seat and knew the minute I looked at my son's face something was wrong...really, really wrong. He didn't start the engine, which was unusual since he loved driving. Instead he gave me his "Mom we need to talk" look. It's never a good thing when your teenaged son gives you
that look.
I took a deep breath, tried to prepare myself for what was coming, but had no way of knowing,
my world would soon be shifting so far out of my control, I'd lose an
ocean of tears before I got home for that much needed shower.
"Mom," he began, his voice deep, rich, and so familiar. "I need you to go with me to the
bus station."
I had been expecting the usual "Mom we got to talk" conversation. "Mom I drove my
motor cycle up the back end of a woman's car and because I don't have a drivers license, gave her YOUR information." (This is a motor cycle his employer's son at that time gave my son without my knoweldge, permission, or consult.)
This was way out of my typical area of "Don't worry, I'll take care of it," bag of tricks.
"What are you talking about?" I demanded, well as much as one can when one has a little girl voice that is shaking with fear.
"You know there's nothing for me here," he said. "I can't get work, and I can't stay here living off of you. I called Mike and his Dad. They said I could come stay with them. I'm leaving on the 4:00 bus headed for Marietta, Georgia." (Home of the BIG Chicken.)
I learned in that moment how quickly a heart can shatter, and how strong a mother has to be when the time has come to let her chicks leave the roost.
We drove to the Greyhound bus terminal, three towns over in a silence that screamed with agony...at least on my part.
I stood beside my son, ordering my heart and my eyes not to let him see how difficult this was for me as he bought his ticket.
I sat beside him on the badly peeling green wooden bench outside, inhaling the belched stench from the busses that pulled in and departed while we waited for HIS bus.
I walked with him over to the open hatch where he stowed the packed duffle bag I hadn't seen in the back well of my little white station wagon.
When the time came for him to leave, I held him, not sure if I'd ever hold him, or see him again.
I stood at the curb and waved when the bus pulled away. I watched the bus creep up the long sloping driveway to the main road. I memorized the distance between the rear brake lights, and felt
my stomach flip when the bus turned onto the main road and blended in with the rest of the traffic.
I did not walk back to my car until I could no longer see even a belching cloud from what was my son's disappearance from my world. By the time I reached my car, I couldn't see at all.
I was forty minutes from home, and I couldn't see through the tears flooding my eyes. I could barely breathe through the pain ripping my heart to shreds. Driving...well I stopped a lot along the way to wail and scream.
But I did finally make it. My son...we had our problems, but you still
wither when they leave.
Days passed, weeks, months. A new school year started.
Kat received home tutoring through our school district three times a week. The school scheduled her times at 7:00 to 9:00 in the evening. (Her tutor, a moonlighting teacher making money on the side through the district.)
She was there at the table working with Kat when the phone rang. It was my son. We talked a little...unlike me he has this
deep, booming voice. All of a sudden he tells me...
"Mom, I'm horny." The surprise in the tutor's eyes was priceless.
When I hung up, she asked me "Uhmm what did he expect you to do about it?"
To this day I don't know the answer to that question any more than I know why he felt I needed to know this...but that's my boy! Mothers, we have a lifetime of stories to tell.
Long have I hungered for something that just never seemed to be mine. I didn't understand what was wrong with me that made me so incapable of knowing what I hungered for. I have always tried to give from the bottom of my heart.
Nonnie taught me that, and also gave me the knowledge and model of what I hungered for.
I was born awkward. I don't know why. Shy, probably a learned trait...I had three brothers nine and four years older, and three years younger.
I grew up in the country with Heidi my only friend as I found myself struggling with the confusion of puberty. Thank God for Heidi, though. She loved me unconditionally, and actually enjoyed spending time with me. It was to Heidi I spun my many tales, stretched out in the rich lawn, her as my happy pillow, the clouds the inspiration for the stories I'd weave for her. She also loved the
water and swam with me in our pool every chance she could.
When you're one of those awful creatures "an A student" you don't have a lot of people looking kindly upon you, especially when you get those A's without studying.
Throughout my adult life, every time I started developing a relationship with a friend, we had to move. (My husband had his own agenda for that.)
By the time my marriage ended, I had two children to raise, a body not always my best friend, college to get through, and jobs to work because well, even though I was awarded substantial alimony and child support, I never saw any of that.
Also during those years since the marriage was dissolved, I also had to take great care with who I trusted to even let into my life...
Alone. So much aloneness. I have been intimate with aloneness for so long...but now...now my
heartstrings have so many chords it seems there is always a symphony playing within me.
Feathers...you are all feathers who have filled my nest, giving me something I had not thought to share with anyone since Nonnie and Heidi except for my most precious friend, my daughter.
Where to begin? What order do I name you? Does the order matter?
Yes...at least with this first one it does.
Eric, you gave me the biggest feather because you made it possible for us to stop hiding and finally have vindication of the truth. Our truth is so dark only those who helped wade us out of it, believed us. Not even my own father believed it. You came, you sought, you learned, you believed, and opened your arms, and healed.
Claire, meeting you was like finding a piece of me that I lost and never knew I could find again. I don't let people touch me. Sometimes you have to let others hug you even though your body is screaming
NO, because to pull away, deny them, would cause them pain they do not deserve.
I didn't think I would ever be able to let myself be touched again. Eric hugs. His Dad was one of the best huggers in the world. My own dad never hugged. Nonnie hugged. Nonnie and my former father-in-law were the only adults that ever hugged me and made me glad I was being hugged.
Eric's hugs remind me so much of his Dad's. I felt like a cherished daughter when my Father-in-law hugged me. Eric makes me feel like a cherished sister.
You Claire...there are so many emotions I feel when you and I hug. Nonnie...your hugs remind me of Nonnie...you always make me feel safe, wanted, loved, unconditionally appreciated, and it has only grown stronger in this little over a year. I feel like you have always been my family, and always will be.
So, My Dear, Dear Claire, you are a precious feather now filling my soul's nest.
Lea...there are so many feathers you brought to me. I'm not sure where to begin. You created a home for the dream my daughter and I have both held close to our hearts, and let us in. You stood behind me even though my limits are truly obstacles and never treated me that way. You let me become the needy center of the heart of Muse.
So many feathers...how do I just choose one to reflect what you've given me?
Since you keep your eyes on every aspect of the Family that IS MUSE...what else could I have chosen but the ones above? Except this one...
Lea, those two feathers belong but so does this grouping. You brought me out of my chrysallis, and I will love you forever.
Ginger...In you I have the sister I always wanted who can laugh, see the absurd, and also know the depths the heart can be forced to crawl to.
I was drawn to you from the very first, Ginger and with each passing day I am thanking my fortune for that first twinkling of what you and I would come to share.
Karen C...You remind me of a vision God gave me right before I began going through my reconstructive surgeries.
I had taken my children camping in the Poconos Mountains. We had a tent, and it was just past dusk. Deciding to take a walk, we left the enclosed forestry of the campsite, coming out into this large clearing. At the bottom of the clearing grew two pine trees, tall, nature's Christmas Trees because they were twinkling just like Christmas trees
with thousands of fireflies. It was breathtakingly beautiful, and I knew in that moment I was going to be okay.
You My Darling Girl are like that miracle of nature. You have this
effervescence that is intoxicating. Everyone you have touched since you walked through the Muse Family Doors sees and feels the same magic that is you, that I feel. Just as those fireflies spoke volumes to me that night, you, your amazing spirit and your brilliant avatars speak volumes to all of us lucky enough to call you our Muse Sister.
I believe in something called SPLIT-APARTS...They are pieces of one huge over-soul that have many things to experience, so the over-soul splits.
It sends a part of the soul there to experience this,
and there so it doesn't miss out on that, and of course
here because we wouldn't want to pass this opportunity by. Are you one of my split-aparts? I don't know, but I do know you are special, as is everyone else now feathering my heart's nest.
Glenn...there are many places throughout all my blogs that speak of what I think of you. There aren't many men in my life that I have found reason to respect and yes, love. I found you through your writing, but through your beauty of spirit, you've become a friend whom I trust and long to never disappoint. You have given me more than you can know just by being my friend.
So your feather...I really needed to hunt for the right one here and in this cacophony of fine feathers, with colors as powerful as a neuron, I found what is your feathering to me.
Karen McG...Sometimes I think we are living twin lives. Both of us have had to overcome so much, and yet you are the kindest, most loving, generous person. I've been asked how one goes through the kinds of things we have and stay caring. I don't know how it's done, but I know it has been done in you.
You make my heart swell with respect and a closeness that many may not understand.
In you, I feel like I have found a kindred spirit. I love you so much because you face each obstacle thrown at you but with
grace and a
serenity I deeply admire. Thank you, Dear Karen, for being the feather in my heart's nest you've become.
Barbara E. Words sometimes fail me when I am trying to express so many deep emotions in one place for so many dear people. You stuck with me kind sister through the chapters of my story that I know are hard.
You and Karen C. together helped me deal with some of the shame. If two such beautiful people can read my story and still find reason to care about me, perhaps Lea's butterfly IS emerging from her
Chrysalis. Your feather within my heart's nest sometimes makes me cry, but more often makes me feel like I truly do belong.
My Beloved Brother Kevin H...Another who shows me the power of grace, and leaves me in absolute awe. I know I have not spoken directly to you of late, Kevin, but you and your family are never far from my heart and thoughts.
I proudly claim you my brother. I no longer have any relationship with my natal brothers...one is actually dead, but the other two...I committed a terrible sin in my family when I divorced my ex-husband. My dad was furious with me...my brothers loved the family money too much to risk angering dad by supporting me.
They made their choice...besides I have always been the nuisance sister, so I'm not sure money was the ONLY reason they cut me off. Kevin, you were the first of my Muse brothers who let me know I mattered and was accepted.
Thank you. You are FOREVER a feather in the nest within my heart.
Brad...the world will know you as Cyrus...but Kat and I cherish you as Brad. You have sent me so many cyber hugs that I ache to feel.
Maybe someday, but until then, you have read my reality, and loved me anyway. Your feather is here, and it keeps me feeling peace, and unconditional love inspite of the nightmare I had to travel through to get here.
Kathryn...Kathy...Kat...Kitty Kat...Daughter...Best Friend...You have the hardest job in the entire world...living with me AND loving me. You beautiful child of mine, began feathering my heart's nest, long before you moved from beneath my breast into my arms.
I felt your first fluttering when I was just four weeks pregnant with you. It was hard to believe at first. I thought I was imagining it. You must have heard me, because you thumped again just to make sure I knew it really had been you tap dancing inside me.
It's been an incredible journey, hasn't it My Girl? So many hills to climb and valleys to delve. When I look into your beautiful eyes I see my joy. You do not know how deeply connected my heart is to yours. Your smile is more precious than any amount of money. I love you so much...and you love me back.
Thank you, for being the center feathers of my heart's nest.
Creative Litsa, Amazing Delilah, Generous Roseanne, Beautiful Tir, Supportive Carrie, Kind Penny, Understanding Greta, Incredible Chris, Inspiring Brian, Wondrous Jim, Tender Kay Dee, Astounding Chrystalla, Giving Christine, Wise Rosalie, Lovely Sue, Brilliant Tanja, Fabulous Elle, Impressive Amy, Delightful Nick, Gracious Chastity, Exhilarating Krista, Sweet Heather, Adorable Nancy, Musical Viviane, Gutsy Kelli, Big-hearted Mike and Cynthia, Kind Erika, Awesome Sara, Dear Larian, Sweet Lindsay, Delightful Arlene, and all those whom I have forgotten to name...because my brain is mush
Here is my heart's nest...and all of you have feathered it.
I love you all, back.
A FIRESIDE CHAT!
Yes, Presidents have fireside chats.
Kat and
I are NOT presidents, unless we are discussing presidents of our own imaginary worlds,
(like Kat's Artica), which as writers we both create, abundantly.
Our FIRESIDE CHAT is going to be tomorrow night at 6:00 P.M. EDT on Kat's BTR show, Kat's Writing Pen
This is going to be a special BTR show. No guests, just Kat and me letting you all peek into our Mom and Daughter world.
We're both published authors, and we live together...it SHOULD be fun!
Join us. I don't think you'll be sorry.
Today is Monday, April 11, 2011. In four days I was to have been operated on. I have not been in the best place during these last weeks as I anticipated this surgery..and so I wrote, like a maniac, but not a new story...no...I diverted me from thinking about anything not somehow connected with Muse and promoting Muse and my brother and sister Musers.
I have written a total of twelve postings since April 1st at my assorted blog spots and on my daughter's Kat Holmes'. I also posted one, just today, at the Muse It Up Blog too. (I'm not including the two I have scheduled for release on May 30th at the Muse Blog, or the one still scheduled to come out for TWILIGHT COMES closer to the start of May.)
Then I failed the pre-op chest x-ray, canceling any opportunity I might have had to get the surgery over and done with on April 15th.
That was a hard pill to swallow after a lot of already hard pills to swallow...
But today...actually just now, I went and looked at the 12 postings I placed since April 1st and felt such a swelling of love, warmth, and gratitude inside me.
Muse is more than family, it is sanity.
So many of you took time from your busy lives to stop by and leave comments...comments I can look back at now, and again feel the
tug on my heartstrings.
I want to take this moment to thank each and every one of you who took the time to comment.
Kat and Karen, you two...How did I get so lucky?
Barbara E. and Roseanne...I am truly blessed to share this glorious place called Muse with you.
Arlene, Lea, Rosalie, Larion, Sara, Antonia, N.J., Kay Dee, Karen McG, Ginger, Viviane, Chrystalla, Emily, Lawna, Shellie, and festival 8 (sorry I don't recognize your tag)...
Thank you. I needed your comments more than any of you know.
And I love you all.
